My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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