at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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