the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sorry my hands just texted you
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
