i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
