Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
