I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
