I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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