he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
