When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need moral support for this bender
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
