I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
