After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i came on her dog
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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