I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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