when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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