I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
