True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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