I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
