it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
