I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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