This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
