I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
