She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
