It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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