i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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