Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
