She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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