Already got asked if we're dating
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
