so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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