My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
