____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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