During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
