Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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