Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize