So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
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It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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