Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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