After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
