I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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