dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
