Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sex in the backyard? Check.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
