I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
