I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
