I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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