Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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