nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize