i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
