3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
