I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
