i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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