He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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