You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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