Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
