i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
