There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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