just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
