God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
