she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
