Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
