I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't turn off my feet"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize