I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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