New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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