yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
